We've been away!

In Barlinnie! no, seriously though, we've been away enjoying surfing with whales and such like and letting the good North Ayrshire people gear up for the Election without our influence.
Good to be back though!

Brave Billbo's 3500-mile labour of love trip to honour Scotland's bard helps Burns celebrations go down a storm in Mordor

Burnsian Billbo Nolan braved freezing temperatures of -23 degrees and iron smelting infernal temperatures of over 2000 degrees to deliver an Immortal Memory at a Burns supper in Mordor.

Billbo made the 3500 miles to Mordor to be the guest of honour at the Middle Earth’s Burns Supper.

He performed the Immortal Memory before the 500 guests of Sauron complete with the Orcs and Uruk Hai.

Billbo at Mordor

And it was a real journey for love as Billbo was also following in the footsteps of one of Irvine’s most historic sons, Frodo Galt.

Bill agreed to speak at the Burns Supper to allow him to follow Frodo’s journey from Irvine to Mount Doom many milennia ago.

And it was a labour of love as Bill endured the freezing temperatures along with 13 cm of snow as he made his way around Middle Earth.

“It was a privilege to be asked to the Scottish evening in Mordor,” said Billbo.

“I wasn’t exactly travelling in his footsteps when I headed for the Eye of Mordor which Frodo founded a long time ago because I travelled with a Fellowship of other Hobbits, the Wizard Gandalf, an Elf, a Dwarf, a Ranger and a Warrior, but I was certainly heading in the same direction across a snow-covered landscape through the Mines of Moria, the battles in Rohan before finally arriving at Mordor.

“It was a freezing but fascinating adventure and there are such strong links between Irvine and Mordor.”

Fictional Character Emma Swan reports Blog. Blames Snow Queen!

When Storyville resident and humourless fan of kid's TV show 'Once Upon a Shite', UberSwen (deleted) responded to a parody Twitter account by calling out the bobbies, the story quickly went wide nationally, and she became the butt of even more jokes.

She regrets nothing, though, and seems to think people other than bad fan fiction writers like herself should not have parody accounts. This violates her right to have a parody account on Twitter. Her response and the subsequent meltdown on Once Upon a Shite became a big issue at Tuesday night’s Storyville meeting. An Imperiled reporter was in attendance:

"I still maintain my right to moan about parody accounts that are not my own" Swen, not her real name, because she has her own Parody Twitter account! (now deleted) Said in an interview with the Imperiled before the council meeting.

What Ms Swen thinks of our reporting

"Are there no boundaries on what you can say, when you can say it, who you can say it to?" Swen said. "We don't want parody or satire of real life issues any more. We want old rehashed plots set in fairytale worlds with fairytale characters. Something really lame that can rot our brains and that we can all gather and write the worst kind of fan fiction about. So we can pretend that we're Swans & Snow Queens. We're fans, WE are the only people who have the right to have parody accounts based on moronic idolatry of these terrible TV shows. 

The only way we can be taken seriously in the fan community for this kind of thing is by having a parody account with loads of photoshopped pictures of our TV heroines. Their type of cutting edge humour, wit & parody undermines us. We're relying on mirror dust and fairies but now we have a plan which is progress."

When asked about her own use of a 'Parody' account and why she felt she had to use a fictional character from another lame TV series about adult fairytale characters, Swen said "You and I, we're not family. I have one of those and it spans three generations and 400 years." Swen, who may be closely involved with a local rival rag and has already undergone 5 several unsuccessful sense of humour transplants is someone who clearly can't see the wood for the trees, is an opponent of free speech, parody and a nepotist.

Council member Jim Montgomerie said the episode represented an abuse of Swen's’ taking herself too seriously.

"There is too much power of force used on these pranksters," said Montgomerie, currently in the running for Mayor of California. "There's nothing wrong with a bit of parody and humour. Goodness knows, life's hard enough without a bit of a laugh. I am personally honoured. These daft wee Buffy fans should go back to their writing fan fiction & the Land of Oz or wherever they gather."

Jim Montgomerie: A good sport!

Swen, though, has decided to blame the Snow Queen:

"The Evil Snow Queen is the one responsible for this blog, she wants to spin it in the way she wants to spin it," said Swen to an Imperiled reporter. "She wants to make Journalism look stupid."

"I am the Saviour!!!"

Our Editor yesterday apparently

Swen, now currently being treated for multiple fairytale character disorder has apparently been given short thrift.

Sergeant Howie of Saltcoats with Swen before her institutionalisation

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats had this to say "Yes, I was contacted by someone proclaiming to be the Swan Queen yesterday. Clearly, a bit perurbed and babbling about Snow Queens' and Princess Leia and whatnot. For her & her ilk, I have this to say: STOP wasting our time! The use of a harmless parody account is no cause for concern, however writing BAD fan fiction and impersonating a fictional character from a TV series on Twitter is most definitely a cause for alarm. I have read the type of fan fiction that you write and it is the biggest steaming pile of shite I have seen. Eye bleach and a bottle of NightNurse was required and i'll never be the same again. I'm all for banning this type of programme so it doesn't encourage others to lose their marbles like this. It's thinly veiled pornography with characters that were badly written enough on telly in the first place. These Buffy types are full of unwarranted self importance and take themselves far too seriously. To them I say the time is nigh upon thee! May the Snow Queen wreak havoc upon ye!"

*Edit*: It now looks like UberSwen has left the building as has wee Sock Puppet pal ScotSwanQueen. The Fan fiction world were celebrating this evening.

North Ayrshire dads rejoice as Labour MP pledges to double the amount of paid drinking leave for new dads

Katy Clark, MP for North Ayrshire and Arran, has welcomed the promise by Labour which will see new dads receive four weeks paid drinking leave rather than the current two weeks if the party is elected into government in May. The pledge also increases the drinking fund to new fathers by £120 per week to £260. 

Katy Clark - fighting for the dads

 “Fathers deserve time to come to stock with their life, and need to escape from greeting weans and the mundanity of watching their women changing shitty nappies. This policy will benefit hundreds of local fathers each year. Dads deserve the right to go on a 4 week bender after what can be a harrowing nine months. Also, why shouldn't hard working dads get the right, if only for a short 4 weeks to get to watch Jeremy Kyle & down a bottle of red first thing in the morning like mums traditionally do?"

“It is the sort of progressive change that local people can expect if they vote Labour in May.” Labour have said the new policy will be vital

to the local economy of public houses in North Ayrshire.

Brothers in Arms as Rab meets long lost Brother in Hollywood

Big Rab Affleck is no stranger either to readers or to movie and TV fans. Rab has appeared in many popular Films & TV series & is a popular and well respected actor. Famed for playing lummoxes, many would think he has it all. However, there was one secret that has been tearing Rab apart from most of his career. His wee brother was separated from him on a shopping trip to Glasgow when he was younger and he never saw him again. Thinking him lost forever Rab has always felt that connection missing in his life & it tore him apart.

However the Imperiled are happy to report that big Rab has now found his long lost wee brother, and he's none other than Hollywood Star & soon to be Batman Ben Affleck!

Ben & Rab, together again & inseparable

"I was sitting thinking about my lost brother, as I do everyday and then I saw this actor on TV. He looked like my wee brother Ben. I could see the physical similarities - the build, the good looks, the strong athletic shape he was in & I though 'He's awful familiar'. I did a bit of research and I found out this guy was called Affleck too! Ben Affleck!"

"That's when everything fell into place. My wee brother was called Ben & loved acting too. It's in the Affleck blood ye ken. I had found my long lost wee brother!"

A call from his agent, and it turns out that the two brothers were to be reunited at last. Meeting each other for the first time the tears swelled up in big Rab's eyes as he hugged and embraced his wee brother for the first time in decades. Now the pair are inseparable, and Ben is going to help advance Big Rab in his film career. "I cannae believe he's the new Batman! Not only do I get to meet my brother again, but now he's getting me higher profile lummox roles in Hollywood, compared to my usual lummox roles where I get shot or knocked out. We're also doing a film called "Good Will Munting. Fairy stories do come true and there's no bigger fairy than me".

Big Rab celebrates finding his wee brother

Polis Called to First Minister in Stramash at Dreghorn Chippy over 'Edinburghfication' slur

The First Minister found herself in a bit of a situation when the Police were called to diffuse what could have been a tricky situation at the Chip Shop in Dreghorn.

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon was visiting the usually quiet, peaceful and tranquil village of Dreghorn, North Ayrshire where she grew up, when a scen quickly escalated at the local Fish & Chicken Bar.

"I was visiting my mother, and was feeling rather peckish, so I thought i'd go to the local fryer for a King Rib Supper & a glass bottle of Curries Special Red Cola".

The chips were down for the First Minister in Dreghorn

The visit soon turned ugly for the First Minister, and she was subjected to vile taunts by other customers in the shop.

"I merely asked for Salt & Sauce on my chips. That was all" said a still shaking First Minister. "The next thing I knew, I was subjected to a torrent of abuse and rants by everyone in the shop. Why should I want Salt & Vinegar?"

"They were horrified and angry at me. I was pushed and jostled and called a snobby cow. I was told to remember where my roots came from. Someone threw tomato sauce at me, and I was hit in the eye with a pickled onion."

Visibly traumatised by the attacks, Nicola said "I have to live in Edinburgh during the week. Being close to Parliament, i'm used to having Salt & Sauce on my chips. These people are not civilised or Cosmopolitan. I don't want to go back to Dreghorn again now. I like Edinburgh, it's rather barry likesay ken? Thank goodness there's a Dreghorn in Edinburgh too!"

A local woman who did not want to be named had this to say "I remember when Nicola used to run wae the DMS. Hingin' aboot the bus shelters, smoking, drinking Merrydown wae her ski jacket & Kickers shoes. We used to go up the munt thegither and hing aboot wae the boys frae the mad sqwad. Noo she thinks because she's in Edinburgh, she can come doon here thinking she's something when she's nowt?"

Another local Dregorn Parishioner had this to say "That wee lassie disnae huv ony respect for where she came fae. She's a silly lassie asking for requests like that round these parts. She's lucky she didnae get her heid tae play wae. She lost the referendum & now she's lost the keys tae the toon & the respect of it's people."

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats after the First Minister had been airlifted to safety

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats had this to say "At 9:15 on Saturday night, we were called to an incident in Dreghorn where we had to airlift a female politician for her own safety from Dreghorn to Aldo's in Kilwinning, where her request for condiments were fulfilled. This at a cost of £60, 0000 to the Taxpayer."

Saltcoats Councillor The Running Skirt to run on surface of the moon

Local superstar councillor The Running Skirt has been many things in his time - World Champion Boxer, Special Forces, Ex -00 Agent, Mentor to Chuck Norris, but nothing prepared him for the success he would have when he decided to take off his drawers before running and give a whole new meaning to 'Going Commando'. Now he plans to take this success with him in a joint venture with North Korea to run the whole of the moon.

"I was enjoying running, and doing very well. However I had one experience in the desert where I wasn't performing great. I whipped off my pants from underneath my skirt, and for some reason I flew like the wind and crossed the Gobi in 4 minutes. Breaking a new record."

"Ever since then, i've refused to wear underwear while I run. It's a winning formula & it means I don't need to stop to do a number one or two. I keep on running without thinking. Much like my political career. The lack of pants has been liberating and freeing."

Jim had been listening to The Waterboys, when the former Mixed Martial Artist came up with the idea. "It was as if Mike Scott was talking to me, I understood then that I needed to run the Whole of the Moon. It was just coincidence that my good friend Kim had just told me about his new space programme. I made the call to his boys and we arranged to set it up."

`Jim is a sensation in North Korea

Montgomerie's first jaunt to North Korea took place in February 2014. Since then, he says he’s visited six times. He calls Kim a “friend for life,” and as a result has been condemned by some in Saltcoats as a traitor and a dupe. But however you judge him, the provocative ex Special Forces hero and all round action man is now a potential source of information about a country that is inaccessible to most of the world. From the outside looking in, we see only Kim Jong-un’s appalling human-rights record and his country’s notorious famines, state executions and other abuses—but Jim has a different perspective.

"It’s nothing like you’ve seen over there. Not even close. It’s funny, because when I first went there I expected it to be like Ardrossan, but it was so…Communist. Wow. Pyongyang has changed a lot. New buildings were popping up and Kim is building all these new  Pubs and hotels. There's even a Windy 'Ha there. He built the largest water park in the world, like a gigantic Harvies. a La Scala Harry Kemp style cinema and this big bowling alley. He’s doing everything for these people. You could go bowl & get drunk  or go swimming all day for 50p. He's a true man of the people. I salute his courage, his spirit, his indefatigibility".

Jim who beat Apollo Creed 3 times when he was a world champion boxer enthuses about running the moon. "I'm pumped up. It's exciting. When the skirt goes on, nobody can beat me on a good day. I've ran the desert, the sahara all with nae pants on. To run the moon with the support of North Korea is the greatest privilege to have been bestowed upon me."

When asked about what his constituents may think of his friendship with North Korea, Jim, who trained Bruce Lee answered "As I once told my former student. I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine."

No pants moon mission. All in a days work for Jim!

Alleged theft of £1.3 million worth of plutonium sees Kilwinning accused dissapear

A Kilwinning man accused of stealing over £1million worth of plutonium from a hospital has mysteriously dissapeared.

‘Doc’ Daniel Dreghorn appeared in private at Kilmarnock Sheriff Court court earlier this month accused of being involved in the theft of surgical equipment, thought to be worth £1.3 million.

The shock haired recluse made no plea or declaration during his appearance on January 7.

'Doc' Daniel Dreghorn in happier days

‘Doc’ Dreghorn, thought to be a senior member of staff at the central decontamination unit, was suspended following investigations.

But an NHS Ayrshire and Arran spokeswoman told the Irvine Herald last week that ‘Doc’ Dreghorn “does not currently work for NHS Ayrshire & Arran. We have no idea where he is.”

Following Dreghorn’s suspension police quizzed over 100 staff at Crosshouse and Ayr Hospitals in connection to the allegations.

It is alleged health chiefs found 136 boxes of plutonium had disappeared, valued at around £10,000 each.

Imperiled Reporters tried to gain an interview with him after his court appearance, but he hastily made a getaway in an old silver DeLorean parked outside of court.

Dreghorn also made no plea or declaration in relation to a charge of neglect to his dog Einstein.

He was released on bail. He was supposed return to court later this year for sentencing but his whereabouts are currently unknown. 

Dreghorn's last appearance as he speeds off from our reporter outside the Court

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats said “We are still looking for his whereabouts. We do know he was involved with some Libyans, but it looks like he has simply vanished. He was last seen doing 88 miles per hour on John Finnie Street in Kilmarnock and then he’s just disappeared into thin air.”

Polis out in force in Kilwinning action bid

Polis out in force in Kilwinning action 

 POLIS drafted more than 20 extra officers in Kilwinning on Friday in a bid to reassure the community that their concerns are top priority.

Led by Sergeant Neil Howie, Crime Czar, officers conducted a variety of high profile patrols targeting speeding motorists, litter droppers, pavement cyclists and one year olds. 

Each year the polis undertake a public consultation survey where local communities are asked to identify policing priorities for the year. Polis take the opportunity to increase awareness on their work during the ‘day of action’.

Sergeant Howie said: “We have had additional officers in Kilwinning to reassure the community that the Polis are working on the issues which matter most to local people.

“By focusing activity in the one area we hope to maximise the opportunities for residents to see the activities taking place to keep people safe in local communities.

Sgt Neil Howie "Kilwinning is mine tonight."

On Friday officers conducted a speed check in Kilwinning and warned four drivers who were allegedly driving just over the 20mph speed restriction and another five drivers were spoken to during speed checks in other areas of the town.

Over 9,000 one year olds were stopped and searched, and many teenagers were spending the weekend in the cells after being spotted cycling on the pavement. 

In other news, there were 20 burglaries, 5 serious assaults, 10 stabbings, 10 pensioners mugged at cash machines and some serious drug dealing and vandalism going on in the town unnoticed. Sergeant Howie has made an appeal to the public for any help in these matters, but says "We are seriously understaffed and too busy dealing with more important matters to deal with everything".

15,441 One Year Olds stopped by Polis in North Ayrshire

ALMOST 20,000 people in North Ayrshire were stopped and searched by Police Scotland in North Ayrshire, many of these being one-year-olds. Kilmarnock Sheriff Court's prison creche is being severely tested with the planning of opening a new barred creche facility within the grounds of HMP Kimarnock.

Prisoner #6527277 at HMP Kilmarnock 

In new figures this week, it has shown that 19,406 people in the local area were stopped by Polis with 15,441 of them aged 1 or under.

For North Ayrshire, an overwhelming 15,441 of those stopped were under one years old.

The system has been called flawed and there have been calls from Human Rights activists to abolish the consensual stop searches, especially those on children under the age of 12.

Local SNP MSP, Kenneth Gibson, said: “The SNP welcomes moves by ra Polis towards ending the practice of non-statutory, so-called ‘consensual’ stop and search.

Sergeant Howie of Saltcoats said "When it comes to crime, we can't be too careful these days. If you're looking dodgy you WILL be stopped. If doing anything wrong you WILL be prosecuted. As the figures show, age is no barrier to not following the word of the law. Excuse is not an option."

Sergeant Howie of Saltcoats

Prisoner #6527277 at HMP Kilmarnock, one of the many recent one year old being charged was furious about the way youngsters are being policed and had this to say to our Reporter "Goo goo ga ga goo goo ga ga!!!"

Local SNP MSP, Kenneth Gibson, said: “Clearly our prisons are overcrowded enough and we should be giving these young people a second chance, such as imposing a community supervision order or giving them a suspended sentence. When these weans get out the tin pail, they will be hardened criminals who have fraternised with the criminal elements of Ayrshire. They will be walking ticking timebombs."

Cooncil to reopen 'Cottaging' toilets at junkies bequest

Toilets once renowned as a 'cottaging' spot for gay men could be rebuilt and reopened after complaints about a lack of public facilities for heroin addicts to shoot up in near the train station has been made to the Cooncil.

Irvine Smackheads Association (ISA) wants the former lavvies reopened after regularly seeing junkies ‘rattling like Marvin’ looking for loos to shoot up in.

The site - which will cost about £25,000 a year to clean - was shut years ago as part of an NAC cost-cutting exercise.

Cooncil spokesman Shuggy Fullarton said “while there was a risk that 'strange men' might make a return to the toilets he believed the benefit to the general majority of drug addicts in the area outweighed this potential problem.

*Editorial* The cottaging problem is not new to Irvine or North Ayrshire.

The  work to clean up the area at a notorious sex-stop spot is long overdue. For years it has been known that the library on the High Street attracted “men who liked to socialise with other men” as one Sergeant Howie from the Saltcoats once famously dubbed such activity.

Traditionally the gardening books section at the library were the problem.

Indeed it has long been rumoured, but never able to be fully proved so it could be published, that one local MP had twice been apprehended there by police for gross indecency.

In recent times men have moved to performing sex acts in the William Hill on a neighbouring building.

Cottaging is not a new problem in Irvine say NAC who have tried to clean it up

Now the Polis, the Cooncil and managers of the High St have got together to clean the place up and make it more secure in the hope it will be less of an attractive option.

Ra Polis also need to have a visible presence there so that the libraries and bookies are also returned to the use for which they were originally intended.

This is not a judgement of morality about gay sex.

It is about the morality of innocent members of the public being confronted with sexual behaviour.

It is time to clean up the High Street properly, once and for all.

Cooncil appoint new plunky man.

In order to combat the rampant truantism in North Ayrshire Schools, the Cooncil are proud to announce the appointment of new Truant Officer Bawbag McRambo to it's chambers.

Previously serving as a mercenary in the Belgian Congo, the Middle East and in Guantanomo Bay, McRambo has the skills to pay the bills when capturing kids & taking them back to classes.

Bawbag McRambo on the 'School Run'

Cooncil Education spokesman Roddy Pubcrawl had this to say about Rambo "he was originally sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Ardrossan underground. Today, no longer wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. We had a problem, no one else could help, if other Cooncils can't catch their truants if you can find him, maybe you can hire the Plunky Man"

Catching up with him, bedecked in teenagers ears around his neck on a piece of string McRambo only had this to say "There's a new plunky man in town. I'm not hear to please parents. If you can't control your kids and make them go to school, it's chokey time for them, 100 lashes of the birch and ten hours of hanging with Glen Michael. It's my way or the fucking high way".

Irvine Boutique closing doors to reopen as 50 Shades Sex Shop

A woman’s boutique in Irvine which has been part of the shopping community for almost 60 years is to close next month.

Sadie’s in the town’s Bank Street will close its doors on February 28. The bright news is it will be opening as a Sex Toy shop specialising in the latest 50 Shades of Grey style BDSM & Bondage toys.

And owner Sadie Sadieson says it has been the hardest decision of her life to close the doors of the popular clothing and lingerie shop.

The new look Sadies in Bank Street, Irvine

“With the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey, no-one was spending money on lingerie anymore. Everyone has been asking for whips, collars, cuffs, leashes. There's simply no market in Irvine for Miss Mary of Sweden any longer. I made the decision to close Sadie’s, as a bloomer shop and to reopen with a fresher, sexier image” said Sadie.

“Believe me, it has broken my heart to do it as there are so many loyal customers who have become friends and who pop in while they are waiting for a bus or just to catch up and I will miss each and every one of them. Now hopefully they'll be set to return and I can truss them in leather and lock them in the dungeon in the basement after they buy a few corsets”

"The keeping the name was the best part" enthused Sadie. "I'll be selling instruments of a sado masochistic nature, and the name Sadie's has so many connotations of that, it was a no brainer".

The new Sadies hopes that customers will serve it when it reopens at the beginning of next month.

Sadie from Sadies gets herself ready for it's re-opening.

.

Marymass team plan to bring Festival back to it's former days by sacrifice to Old Gods.

The dedicated team who organise Scotland’s biggest community festival, Marymass, say they need backing from Irvine residents to make it happen. In a last ditch attempt to bring the festival back to it's former glory, they plan to make an offering of live animals, school children who plunk school and sacrifice a virgin policeman to the old gods in a burning Wicker Man on Irvine Beach.

Marymass Festival in better times

Former provost Pat McPeach said: “Marymass is one of the world's hugest festivals and our fund is smaller than ever. Gone are the glory days when we'd have bands like The Rolling Stones, The Who & Brotherhood of Man headlining down the Moor. It used to be an epic spectacle to rival the likes of Glastonbury & Burning Man in the States. Now sadly we have a bunch of old nags in the paddock, stabbings, pissed up Carters jousting with one another and Cooncilors urinating in the street.

“This is Irvine’s festival and we want the people of the community to come and help us by embracing old pagan gods on the beach and participating in the human sacrifice with a view to taking things forward this year.”

A committee of 10 people work all year round to organise the 12-day festival but say that they need volunteers from the community to come forward to help them with their plan to make it great again once more.

Committee member Lemmy Summerisle said there is a lack of funding and lack of volunteers to run the festival.

Lemmy Summerisle in practice at Irvine Beach

He is calling on community groups or individuals who want to get involved to an open night on Mayday, at  Irvine Beach at 7pm.

“We have a lack of funding and volunteers,” said Lemmy.

We're looking for people to come forward and help with providing unwanted pets, cats, dogs etc to be burned in the Wicker Man. Local farmers can help by providing us with cattle, sheep or if they can't afford that, maybe a chicken or a hen, that kind of thing. Some of the local schools have kindly provided us with some of the children who are frequent truantees. We'll be piling them on high, and hoping the old gods look kindly upon us. We've also got a Sergeant Howie a virgin policeman from Saltcoats, we're going to lure to the town in order to be our main offering".
"Animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A little child is even better, but not *nearly* as effective as the right kind of adult."

Segeant Howie only had this to say on the matter "Don't you see that killing me is not going to bring back your Marymass? If the festival fails, Summerisle, next year your people will kill you on May Day.

The Marymass open bonfire is on Mayday at 7pm.

Ayrshire's 'King of the Doggers' Gerard McAuley in the Doghouse

Ayrshire's King of the Doggers’ scared the life out of a lone woman.

And a sheriff this week found sleazy Gerard McAuley, 46, guilty of causing her fear and alarm.

McAuley followed the woman's car from Irvine to Troon, hoping to have sex with her.

The terrified woman had no idea why she was being tailed, Ayr Sheriff Court heard.

McAuley thought she was up for sex because her car slowed down and she waved at him.

Gerard McAuley going 'for a curry' last week

There was a double-flash of her brake lights which McAuley took to mean ‘follow me for sex and get your wanger out’.

His Defence lawyer argued Mrs Thompson was in ‘the wrong place at the wrong time’.

He said his client was in the ‘right place at the right time’ for his purpose. But he picked the ‘wrong car’.

The woman's car only slowed because McAuley’s car looked like a friend’s.

He highlighted the location at Irvine Beach Park, notorious for dogging – a slang term for outdoor sex with a stranger.

“It was dark. And she approached Mr McAuley’s car, which was stationary in a lay-by,” said Mr Lockhart.

McAuley told the court he parked in the lay-by to wait for sex with strangers. 

He said: “I thought she was looking for sex. I followed her, and now I’m here. I'm a member of all the local swinging sites, I go on holiday every year to Hedonism. I had been watching Granny porn and when I saw that my intended partner was of retirement age it was at this point I whipped out my wang and flashed her. I'm the King of the Doggers and i'd put out through my network that I would be here waiting for all comers while the wife thought I was out at Curry King getting a Jalfrezi.”

But depute fiscal pointed to the length of the pursuit – SEVEN miles from Irvine Beach Park to Troon’s Campbell Drive.

And he argued: “This was a course of conduct likely to cause fear or alarm.”

He also highlighted McAuley’s persistence in following the woman, even after she stopped near the Spar shop in Troon’s Logan Drive.

A Polis who later charged McAuley, who works in the porn scene for a living.

The Polis noted McAuley saying: “I thought someone was going to go with us . . . go with us to play about . . . go back to theirs to have sex.”

McAuley said in his evidence "I'm the Car Park King. I was out looking for sex, I waved my wang about & chased the poor lassie. I thought she was only playing hard to get and that she stopped at the Spar shop only to buy some condoms and lube. It's a fair cop guv, but Red Hot TV is to blame. i'll be canceling my subscription. To that and to the rest of the jazz sites. I'm handing over my crown."

The sheriff wants to see reports on McAuley, of Broomlands Drive in Irvine, before sentencing him on March 17.

He has also placed McAuley on the sex offenders’ register.

Medda daft' Irvine Ayrshire black metal band to reform to help propel Irvine Meadow success

Five-piece 80s Black Metal band Burning Doon The Kirk are getting back together and will release a song specially written for Irvine Meadow as singer Darklordvras Bururduzum strives to inspire his boyhood heroes.

Irvine 80's Black Metal Band Burning Doon The Kirk yesterday

Irvine Meadow superfan Darklordvras Bururduzum is to fulfill a lifelong dream by recording a song for his beloved team.

Darklordvras, 58, has been following the Irvine team since he was a boy and despite several attempts to record a track for his favourite team, he’s certain 2015 will be the year it happens.

The gardener is reuniting his 80s band  Burning Doon The Kirk one last time to inspire Meadow to success on the park.

After arduous contract talks between band members that included: putting some members converting to Christianity aside, the murder of the bassists wee brother by drummer 

Lucith Dogkicker and Darklordvras recently getting out of prison for burning down the Fullarton Church in the 80's. The band are going to to recreate the same look they had during the 80s, Burning Doon The Kirk look set to reform.

The shock rockers have vowed to breathe life into their back catalogue as well as debuting a few new tracks too on what’s being described as ‘The Community Service Tour’.

The infamous Meadow single has proved a bit of an own goal for Darklord since the band’s formation – with his attempts at a track in the 80s and 90s failing to reach the mixing stage.

A delighted Darklord said: “I’m Medda daft and I’ve just got to do the song after leaving it so long. It’s fell through so many times.

“We’re recording a rough demo here then taking it up to Glasgow to have it all finalised. All the money generated from the single goes to The Church of Satan.

“We’re all mid to late 50s so we’re getting on a bit but it’s brilliant to get the boys back together.”

Darkord will take on the task of singing while 

Lucith Dogkicker picks up the sticks, Goathn Goatplunger stars on bass, Inferum Cuntahl and Vargom Balrduk pick up guitars for the bands reformation.

Darklordvras also wants to breathe life into the local music scene and is hosting a rock night at the Irvine Old Parish Church on April 5 to mark the comeback, followed by a razing of the Church to the ground.

Little Fire Music Column

Half an hour into the dose

Hello folks I hope you’re doing well!

At the time of writing I’m in my bedsit having just taken a lot of sweeties previously in order to listen to the new material by band Vasa..

At first the music sounded the same as all the other pish acoustic crap I listen to, but 10 minutes in and this is a belter of an album...the music sounds better, lights look cooler, minty things taste awesome, smoking feels great, touching things becomes imperative, as physical sensation is ramped up dramatically, and the thought of a hot shower almost feels too good. My emotional walls have dropped, leaving me vulnerable, open, forgiving, and chatty. I have 4 hours till the high fades. 

Not looking forward to when I first enter reality again. I don't want to be there. I want to be in this happy happy place forever. Tonight Matthew i'm Jesus Christ on ecstacy.

Labour MP Brian Donohoe has paid tribute to Nick Cotton who died following a 'bad hit' given to him by mother Dot

Donohoe: "Eastenders fans will find it strange to never again see a scene involving Dot & Nick Cotton again"

MP Brian Donohoe mourning at the Queen Vic yesterday

Labour MP Brian Donohoe has paid an emotional tribute to Eastenders's Nick Cotton who died last week.

The character, played by John Altman for  years, died following his mother Dot Cotton buying him a 'bad hit'.

Previously, Mr Donohoe had campaigned to ‘Free the Cold Turkey One’ when Nick was jailed for Theft, violence and fraud.

John Altman played a central role in Britain’s longest running London soap opera, with Nick Cotton being a main character in the show for most of that time.

He was part of some of the biggest story lines of the show, including one that gripped the nation saw him jailed for fraud after being duped by Dot

This week, Mr Donohoe – a lifelong fan of watching soap opera's instead of attending parliamentary duties – said he joined a nation in mourning and expressed his sadness over the characters death.

He said: “I was very sad to hear about the passing of Nick Cotton. The nation was gripped by the ‘Free the Cold Turkey One’ campaign which came about after the character’s incarceration for fraud and it was a good bit of fun to get involved with. It reflected the issues going on in my personal life with my son at the time

“As a fan myself, I am sure all Eastenders fans will find it strange to never again see a scene involving both Dot and her son Nick again.

“My thoughts go out to his family, friends and the cast of Eastenders who I am sure will be feeling the loss on set when they get back to filming.”

Pictorial Feature - this week in Kilwinning.

Every week we bring you a set of daily pictures from local towns. Here's what life has been like for the residents in Kilwinning this week.

Inspirational Strongwoman Louise in training for Spartan Persian War

In terms of mighty, powerful women, they don’t come much stronger than Big Louise.

The indestructable 40-year-old is currently the second strongest woman in the world only being beaten by Big Kay from the BBC series The Scheme.

And determined Louise has now her sights set on searing it up over in Greece with 299 other Spartan warriors.

She has been competing and training since 2011, and her hard work and efforts have won her a host of battles including her ending of the war in Afghanistan in 2014.

Louise discovered a passion for strength training after being introduced to the joys of watching Popeye cartoons from a very young age & Ludovico technique style conditioning to repeatedly watch the film Pumping Iron again and again. Sometimes at weeks on end.

A natural progression, and tons of hard work learning to develop a fondness for the taste of Spinach, led her to compete at the top level and become a top enforcer in Ayrshire housing estates, and inspire thousands of women all over the world. Louise has strong ties in the community, and is a regular at visiting hours at Barlinnie prison gym.

As well as all her events and appearances, Louise is using her knowledge to help others attain their goals.

Using locally grown Spinach, Louise has decided to take up the challenge and to go to Greece to fight against the Persian threat lead by Mad God-King Xerxes.

“Eighty per cent of the kebabs I devour are from Greece” said Louise.

“I love helping these puny Greek men train and to realise their potential.”

With plans to hold the World’s Strongest event in Ayrshire this year, it looks like another busy year ahead for Louise.

“Once i've ”defeated the Persian foe by pummelling them into submission, I plan to give the other 299 boys a bit of a pose off' then it'll be back to Ayrshire to show who's the champ at pulling trucks by my teeth attached to a rope. Ack, ack, ack! I'm strong to the finish 'cos I eats me spinach!"

Irvine Residents Ragin' at New Magnum Plans

Irvine residents are up in arms at the latest plans for the new Magnum Centre. Already a touchy subject with the imminent closure of the historic sports complex being sold by a cabal of Irvine Bhey crooked businessmen and members of the Cooncil having lined their pockets selling the land for prime housing spots at the harbour site.

Latest plans for the Magnum centre at the site of the former Police Station at Irvine Cross have sparked outcries! 'How the fuck am I going to get my smack now?' asked a Parterre Resident. The cross is a place where the Police have traditionally turned a blind eye to us junkies dealing. Now with weans running aboot, we'll have to move our offices elsewhere. This will definitely have a bad effect on local business'.

Further outcries at the proposed design plans for the new Magnum have caused complaints too.

Artists Impression of the New Magnum:

Paddy Wiggum of Irvine Bhey was unavailable for comment about allegations of corruption as he's spending winter in Barbados with his ill gotten gains. A member from the Cooncil did respond though by saying "
Away and get tae fuck, the new Magnum means loads of business for retailers like Black Mamma's. They're expecting sales of suppers to go through the roof. The Cooncil, will as always accommodate our junkie businessmen who traditionally have conducted business in the area by giving them new offices down the harbour along with dogs as part of their companion scheme and a generous financial grant."
Louie our fitness columnist will be running another lot of advertisements,  sorry features in the paper for his classes which he can advertise sorry, tell you all about, in his column every week to drum up business. It's a win win for everyone involved.