The Irvine Imperiled & Kilwinning Orange News: Irvine Residents Ragin' at New Magnum Plans

Friday 13 February 2015

Irvine Residents Ragin' at New Magnum Plans

Irvine residents are up in arms at the latest plans for the new Magnum Centre. Already a touchy subject with the imminent closure of the historic sports complex being sold by a cabal of Irvine Bhey crooked businessmen and members of the Cooncil having lined their pockets selling the land for prime housing spots at the harbour site.

Latest plans for the Magnum centre at the site of the former Police Station at Irvine Cross have sparked outcries! 'How the fuck am I going to get my smack now?' asked a Parterre Resident. The cross is a place where the Police have traditionally turned a blind eye to us junkies dealing. Now with weans running aboot, we'll have to move our offices elsewhere. This will definitely have a bad effect on local business'.

Further outcries at the proposed design plans for the new Magnum have caused complaints too.

Artists Impression of the New Magnum:

Paddy Wiggum of Irvine Bhey was unavailable for comment about allegations of corruption as he's spending winter in Barbados with his ill gotten gains. A member from the Cooncil did respond though by saying "
Away and get tae fuck, the new Magnum means loads of business for retailers like Black Mamma's. They're expecting sales of suppers to go through the roof. The Cooncil, will as always accommodate our junkie businessmen who traditionally have conducted business in the area by giving them new offices down the harbour along with dogs as part of their companion scheme and a generous financial grant."
Louie our fitness columnist will be running another lot of ~~advertisements~~, sorry features in the paper for his classes which he can ~~advertise~~ sorry, tell you all about, in his column every week to drum up business. It's a win win for everyone involved.

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