Irvine Polis Officer Given Recognition For Spending Tax Payers Money Twittering

An Irvine Bobby has been given recognition for spending his time on Twitter instead of beating the streets Sergeant Jason Peter was given the award for his creativity in innovation in use of Social Media.

At a time when crime rates are soaring it's a relief to know that the Tax Payers hard earned is being wisely spent on Police Officers sitting on their arse using Twitter and Social Media rather than being out there catching criminals.

All in a hard days work for this local bobby

After he received the Chief Constables Special Recognition Award, he told The Imperiled 'I feel really honoured for being recognised for my ability to sit on my fat arse, tweeting and twittering away to the local community instead of doing real Polis work. While the streets may not be any safer due to the lack of an extra bobby on the streets, I certainly am. It's a great privilege to be able to be paid for sitting on my jacksey at the tax payers expense, playing candy crush with members of the local community. I feel i've made lots of new friends and engaged with the local community, my Facebook friends list has also shot up in numbers. I feel i'm really giving something back to the community by engaging with them in this modern and novel manner'.

Sgt Neil Howie of Saltcoats had this to say 'I'm proud of Sergeant Peter. Gone are the days when policing was all about being seen in the community and having a presence in the street. Now it's a different game altogether. You have no idea the dangers our officers have to face on a day to day basis in the streets. They used to be threatened with violence, have to deal with all manners of ugly crimes, try to catch criminals etc. Now in this digital age we still use policing methods but instead of dealing with burglaries, muggings etc we have to intervene in arguments online about the Kardashians, who's going to win Big Brother, fights over the X Factor, that kind of thing. It's no easy feat, so we're grateful to have men like this on our team. Plus, the savings on Officers footwear allowances are quite considerable, so we're really doing the Tax Payer a favour'.

Scenes inside Saltcoats Police Station yesterday

Prodigy Frontman Wanted For Questioning After School Toilet Blaze

Professional Wanker & Frontman of The Prodigy Keith Flint is at the forefront of an investigation into the blaze at school toilet in Kilwinning.

Kilwinning Academy was shut down after a fire broke out in the school lavvies earlier this week. One pupil had to be treated for an anxiety attack after the blaze broke out.

Flint, no stranger to controversy, and who last month admitted to being a fox hunting prick has been spotted in the Kilwinning area and near the school when the fire broke out.

Twisted Firestarter Flint is wanted for questioning

A spokesperson for the Cooncil said 'While we don't know the exact cause, we can confirm that a fire was started in the school toilets this week and we had to evacuate the weans'.

Flint famous for being a twisted firestarter has been spotted by witnesses near the school, and alsohanging about the Kilwinning area near the time of the fire.

Flint spotted in Kilwinning during the week.

Sgt Neil Howie of Saltcoats had this to say 'We've been alerted to the presence of this utter prick in the Kilwinning area this week. I'm afraid to say that there is a high level of suspicion on this character. Not only is he famous for professing to be a twisted Firestarter, but why would he be in the locale when such a crime has taken place? It all looks like a clean cut case that this miscreant is responsible for the blaze. Not only is he wanted for questioning for arson, but we would also like to speak to him about other crimes against music & fashion. We're making enquiries and going to places where he might be found. We will get our man! I've got a message for you Keith - Charlie says you're going down ya bampot!'

Sgt Howie of Saltcoats making enquiries at one of wanted Flint's haunts yesterday

Medda Chairman Defends Re-signing Shamed Drug Dealer Adam Strachan

Irvine Meadow have re-signed shamed drug dealer Adam Strachan until the end of the season.

The troubled midfielder has landed a deal with struggling Medda less than a year after he was jailed for pleading guilty to dealing Cocaine. He was also caught with £2 grands worth of heroin stuffed down his breeks.

Strachan yesterday in a promotional shot for the troubed Irvine club

Medda chairman Robert Jeffrey has defended his decision. 'Adam never gave the Medda any trouble in his time at the club'. We've been doon for quite a while, and we're hoping that Adam might have something extra in his pocket for the boys in the locker room that might give us the edge this season. Fortunately drug testing isn'ae a problem in oor wee league and I firmly believe that Strachan has got the right 'stuff' to give us the edge we need. You might say that this is the 'injection' that we so desperately need at this point in time'. Hopefully the boys will now be going like the clappers.
The decison hasn't went down well with some members of the Medda support as they took to social media:

Phasers Set To Stun As Councillor Jim Boldly Goes Into Spaceport Furore

There's been Klingons on the starboard bow recently, or to be more specific Vulcans, as local Councillor, Space Hero & all round man of action the Running Skirt Jim 'Tiberius' Montgomerie of Saltcoats has set his sights on tackling a new threat to North Ayrshire.
No stranger to spacefaring adventure, Jim who as we exclusively reported last year ran the surface of the moon in his skirt in a joint effort with North Korea has hit out at an MSP's plan to turn Prestwick International into a Spaceport.

Councillor Jim  Montgomerie

One man army Jim, also an Admiral in Starfleet for the past decade, has hit out at the plans after SNP Councillor from Irvine Philippa Whitford made the plea for Prestwick to be the first call in Scotland for Space Tourism. It's been Star Wars and intergalactic civil war in the Cooncil this months as an enraged Jim hit out 'What a lot of nonsense, there's only one place for an international Space Port to be built and the right choice is obviously Saltcoats'. We have the infrastructure, we have the ground to be building this and think of all the jobs that it would bring to the community. Irvine Bay has an area of 14km's, it makes sense to bring this Spaceport project to Saltcoats. We are no strangers to alien species - have you ever been to the Windy 'Ha on a Saturday? It's like the Mos Eisley Cantina in there.'

The Windy Ha'

Jim, who as well as his adventure on the moon last year, took the winning shot that destroyed the Death Star also had this to say 'Look at her doing Vulcan hand signals in Parliament. There's no place in politics for logic, and if you've ever been to a Cooncil meeting, you would see for yourself that there's plenty of emotion running high in the place. Something these Vulcans claim not to possess. We have no need in North Ayrshire for Vulcans, we're over run by them in the Scottish Parliament, just look at Sturgeon''s hair do. I've never seen a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. What's their agenda? Why Prestwick, when we could have our very own Spaceport in North Ayrshire? Next the place will be teeming with Klingons, and I just don't trust them.'

Dr Who?

'Live long and prosper?' Said former Jedi Master Jim. 'The only people that will prosper out of this will be the SNP. No doubt lining their pockets with backhanders from the Vulcans. No 'on my watch! I only have one final message to say to her 'Try it all ye like, but remember one thing hen - in space nae one can hear ye scream...'

Community in turmoil as Gazza threatens to cancel talk in Irvine

The whole community of Kilwinning was in turmoil yesterday as a planned Musical night with Gazza at Irvine Magnum on the 19th of February may be in danger of not going ahead.
The event which was sold out in minutes with all tickets going to the population of Kilwinning is in jeopardy after Gazza's flute has appeared to go missing. Believed to be stolen.

A tearful Gazza said yesterday 'I can hardly speak for crying. I had been looking forward to my evening of musical festivities in Irvine for ages. It had sold out, and I had been practicing my flute playing specially in preparation for the event which was to be supported by my UVF, flag waving drinking buddy Andy Goram. I was with Andy the other day, and after he left after a right good session drinking in Troon with fellow rascal Mad Dog Johnny Adair my flute had gone. I'm in utter despair right now. I may have to cancel, as the show can't go on without it'.

Gazza yesterday

A spokesperson for Kilwinning said 'We're shocked and outraged that someone could possibly spoil a fun, family night out like this by stealing Gazza's precious flute. The whole community was looking forward to a night out to Irvine in our red, white and blue buses, we had planned bunting in the streets and looked forward to a night of musical entertainment with some of our favourite songs such as The Sash and Billy Boys. If this event is now ruined by a thief, it ruins everyone's idea of a good night out.'




We tried to talk to Johnny Adair, but getting a hold of him was proving elusive. We did manage to get a hold of Goram, but he simply said 'If this event doesn't go ahead with Gazza, i'm more than happy to hold a night of my own. I'd be more than happy to do a flute night of my own'. When asked about his new flute he was holding, a smirking Goram, simply replied 'No Comment'.

Goram yesterday

Sgt Neil Howie of Saltcoats had this to say ' We are following investigations into the theft of a flute. We simply cannot allow a community to be disappointed and let down on this scale and are following all lines of enquiries with some leading to a goalkeeper in Troon'.

Have you seen this flute?

Sacked Louie wants to be NEW Milk Tray Man

Nobody shed any tears at the Imperiled when we gave the heave ho to mealy mouthed, professional ligger Louie Fecou at our office. After all, due to nepotism and favouritism he was stealing precious column inches from real journalists at the rag.
We were inundated with complaints from enraged readers asking why this 7 stone weakling was filling our pages with drivel week in, week out and using his columns to promote his studio and further his agenda of his fitness classes where he impressed grannies and single mums with his inability to do actually do any exercise himself.
However, we don't like to see anyone fail and we're happy to report that Louie has found his true calling in life - As a Milk Tray Man!                      

Louie finds his true calling

7 stone Louie, knackered after a gruelling and punishing session where he spent an hour watching Ardrossan grannies try to get fit, told us 'When one door closes, another opens. I was pushed from my job at The Imperiled where I selflessly self promoted week in, week out. Being a sneaky bastard, I realised this would be my dream job, I mean where else would I get to sneak in and out of places. I'm a snake like creature! I may be a slack mouthed fugly, but that doesn't matter! The essence of the Milk Tray Man is not in his looks or his appearance but in what he means to people, and that is definitely a sneaky, slimy creature of a man in which I excel at.'

Update: We got in touch with Cadburys to find out about Louie's appointment, but a spokesman told us 'We can confirm we received a very bad audition video from a gentleman in Ardrossan, but it was too weird, self promoting and downright bizarre to even consider as a contender for Milk Tray Man. His lack of physical prowess and very obvious being out of condition sealed the deal. On top of that, he just came across as a weird creepy character.'

Louie has since removed his audition tape from YouTube but thanks to the wonder of the internet we are in possession of a copy which we will be publishing the next time something bad happens in the world and our readers are going to need a cheering up.