We've been away!

In Barlinnie! no, seriously though, we've been away enjoying surfing with whales and such like and letting the good North Ayrshire people gear up for the Election without our influence.
Good to be back though!

Brave Billbo's 3500-mile labour of love trip to honour Scotland's bard helps Burns celebrations go down a storm in Mordor

Burnsian Billbo Nolan braved freezing temperatures of -23 degrees and iron smelting infernal temperatures of over 2000 degrees to deliver an Immortal Memory at a Burns supper in Mordor.

Billbo made the 3500 miles to Mordor to be the guest of honour at the Middle Earth’s Burns Supper.

He performed the Immortal Memory before the 500 guests of Sauron complete with the Orcs and Uruk Hai.

Billbo at Mordor

And it was a real journey for love as Billbo was also following in the footsteps of one of Irvine’s most historic sons, Frodo Galt.

Bill agreed to speak at the Burns Supper to allow him to follow Frodo’s journey from Irvine to Mount Doom many milennia ago.

And it was a labour of love as Bill endured the freezing temperatures along with 13 cm of snow as he made his way around Middle Earth.

“It was a privilege to be asked to the Scottish evening in Mordor,” said Billbo.

“I wasn’t exactly travelling in his footsteps when I headed for the Eye of Mordor which Frodo founded a long time ago because I travelled with a Fellowship of other Hobbits, the Wizard Gandalf, an Elf, a Dwarf, a Ranger and a Warrior, but I was certainly heading in the same direction across a snow-covered landscape through the Mines of Moria, the battles in Rohan before finally arriving at Mordor.

“It was a freezing but fascinating adventure and there are such strong links between Irvine and Mordor.”

Fictional Character Emma Swan reports Blog. Blames Snow Queen!

When Storyville resident and humourless fan of kid's TV show 'Once Upon a Shite', UberSwen (deleted) responded to a parody Twitter account by calling out the bobbies, the story quickly went wide nationally, and she became the butt of even more jokes.

She regrets nothing, though, and seems to think people other than bad fan fiction writers like herself should not have parody accounts. This violates her right to have a parody account on Twitter. Her response and the subsequent meltdown on Once Upon a Shite became a big issue at Tuesday night’s Storyville meeting. An Imperiled reporter was in attendance:

"I still maintain my right to moan about parody accounts that are not my own" Swen, not her real name, because she has her own Parody Twitter account! (now deleted) Said in an interview with the Imperiled before the council meeting.

What Ms Swen thinks of our reporting

"Are there no boundaries on what you can say, when you can say it, who you can say it to?" Swen said. "We don't want parody or satire of real life issues any more. We want old rehashed plots set in fairytale worlds with fairytale characters. Something really lame that can rot our brains and that we can all gather and write the worst kind of fan fiction about. So we can pretend that we're Swans & Snow Queens. We're fans, WE are the only people who have the right to have parody accounts based on moronic idolatry of these terrible TV shows. 

The only way we can be taken seriously in the fan community for this kind of thing is by having a parody account with loads of photoshopped pictures of our TV heroines. Their type of cutting edge humour, wit & parody undermines us. We're relying on mirror dust and fairies but now we have a plan which is progress."

When asked about her own use of a 'Parody' account and why she felt she had to use a fictional character from another lame TV series about adult fairytale characters, Swen said "You and I, we're not family. I have one of those and it spans three generations and 400 years." Swen, who may be closely involved with a local rival rag and has already undergone 5 several unsuccessful sense of humour transplants is someone who clearly can't see the wood for the trees, is an opponent of free speech, parody and a nepotist.

Council member Jim Montgomerie said the episode represented an abuse of Swen's’ taking herself too seriously.

"There is too much power of force used on these pranksters," said Montgomerie, currently in the running for Mayor of California. "There's nothing wrong with a bit of parody and humour. Goodness knows, life's hard enough without a bit of a laugh. I am personally honoured. These daft wee Buffy fans should go back to their writing fan fiction & the Land of Oz or wherever they gather."

Jim Montgomerie: A good sport!

Swen, though, has decided to blame the Snow Queen:

"The Evil Snow Queen is the one responsible for this blog, she wants to spin it in the way she wants to spin it," said Swen to an Imperiled reporter. "She wants to make Journalism look stupid."

"I am the Saviour!!!"

Our Editor yesterday apparently

Swen, now currently being treated for multiple fairytale character disorder has apparently been given short thrift.

Sergeant Howie of Saltcoats with Swen before her institutionalisation

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats had this to say "Yes, I was contacted by someone proclaiming to be the Swan Queen yesterday. Clearly, a bit perurbed and babbling about Snow Queens' and Princess Leia and whatnot. For her & her ilk, I have this to say: STOP wasting our time! The use of a harmless parody account is no cause for concern, however writing BAD fan fiction and impersonating a fictional character from a TV series on Twitter is most definitely a cause for alarm. I have read the type of fan fiction that you write and it is the biggest steaming pile of shite I have seen. Eye bleach and a bottle of NightNurse was required and i'll never be the same again. I'm all for banning this type of programme so it doesn't encourage others to lose their marbles like this. It's thinly veiled pornography with characters that were badly written enough on telly in the first place. These Buffy types are full of unwarranted self importance and take themselves far too seriously. To them I say the time is nigh upon thee! May the Snow Queen wreak havoc upon ye!"

*Edit*: It now looks like UberSwen has left the building as has wee Sock Puppet pal ScotSwanQueen. The Fan fiction world were celebrating this evening.

North Ayrshire dads rejoice as Labour MP pledges to double the amount of paid drinking leave for new dads

Katy Clark, MP for North Ayrshire and Arran, has welcomed the promise by Labour which will see new dads receive four weeks paid drinking leave rather than the current two weeks if the party is elected into government in May. The pledge also increases the drinking fund to new fathers by £120 per week to £260. 

Katy Clark - fighting for the dads

 “Fathers deserve time to come to stock with their life, and need to escape from greeting weans and the mundanity of watching their women changing shitty nappies. This policy will benefit hundreds of local fathers each year. Dads deserve the right to go on a 4 week bender after what can be a harrowing nine months. Also, why shouldn't hard working dads get the right, if only for a short 4 weeks to get to watch Jeremy Kyle & down a bottle of red first thing in the morning like mums traditionally do?"

“It is the sort of progressive change that local people can expect if they vote Labour in May.” Labour have said the new policy will be vital

to the local economy of public houses in North Ayrshire.

Brothers in Arms as Rab meets long lost Brother in Hollywood

Big Rab Affleck is no stranger either to readers or to movie and TV fans. Rab has appeared in many popular Films & TV series & is a popular and well respected actor. Famed for playing lummoxes, many would think he has it all. However, there was one secret that has been tearing Rab apart from most of his career. His wee brother was separated from him on a shopping trip to Glasgow when he was younger and he never saw him again. Thinking him lost forever Rab has always felt that connection missing in his life & it tore him apart.

However the Imperiled are happy to report that big Rab has now found his long lost wee brother, and he's none other than Hollywood Star & soon to be Batman Ben Affleck!

Ben & Rab, together again & inseparable

"I was sitting thinking about my lost brother, as I do everyday and then I saw this actor on TV. He looked like my wee brother Ben. I could see the physical similarities - the build, the good looks, the strong athletic shape he was in & I though 'He's awful familiar'. I did a bit of research and I found out this guy was called Affleck too! Ben Affleck!"

"That's when everything fell into place. My wee brother was called Ben & loved acting too. It's in the Affleck blood ye ken. I had found my long lost wee brother!"

A call from his agent, and it turns out that the two brothers were to be reunited at last. Meeting each other for the first time the tears swelled up in big Rab's eyes as he hugged and embraced his wee brother for the first time in decades. Now the pair are inseparable, and Ben is going to help advance Big Rab in his film career. "I cannae believe he's the new Batman! Not only do I get to meet my brother again, but now he's getting me higher profile lummox roles in Hollywood, compared to my usual lummox roles where I get shot or knocked out. We're also doing a film called "Good Will Munting. Fairy stories do come true and there's no bigger fairy than me".

Big Rab celebrates finding his wee brother

Polis Called to First Minister in Stramash at Dreghorn Chippy over 'Edinburghfication' slur

The First Minister found herself in a bit of a situation when the Police were called to diffuse what could have been a tricky situation at the Chip Shop in Dreghorn.

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon was visiting the usually quiet, peaceful and tranquil village of Dreghorn, North Ayrshire where she grew up, when a scen quickly escalated at the local Fish & Chicken Bar.

"I was visiting my mother, and was feeling rather peckish, so I thought i'd go to the local fryer for a King Rib Supper & a glass bottle of Curries Special Red Cola".

The chips were down for the First Minister in Dreghorn

The visit soon turned ugly for the First Minister, and she was subjected to vile taunts by other customers in the shop.

"I merely asked for Salt & Sauce on my chips. That was all" said a still shaking First Minister. "The next thing I knew, I was subjected to a torrent of abuse and rants by everyone in the shop. Why should I want Salt & Vinegar?"

"They were horrified and angry at me. I was pushed and jostled and called a snobby cow. I was told to remember where my roots came from. Someone threw tomato sauce at me, and I was hit in the eye with a pickled onion."

Visibly traumatised by the attacks, Nicola said "I have to live in Edinburgh during the week. Being close to Parliament, i'm used to having Salt & Sauce on my chips. These people are not civilised or Cosmopolitan. I don't want to go back to Dreghorn again now. I like Edinburgh, it's rather barry likesay ken? Thank goodness there's a Dreghorn in Edinburgh too!"

A local woman who did not want to be named had this to say "I remember when Nicola used to run wae the DMS. Hingin' aboot the bus shelters, smoking, drinking Merrydown wae her ski jacket & Kickers shoes. We used to go up the munt thegither and hing aboot wae the boys frae the mad sqwad. Noo she thinks because she's in Edinburgh, she can come doon here thinking she's something when she's nowt?"

Another local Dregorn Parishioner had this to say "That wee lassie disnae huv ony respect for where she came fae. She's a silly lassie asking for requests like that round these parts. She's lucky she didnae get her heid tae play wae. She lost the referendum & now she's lost the keys tae the toon & the respect of it's people."

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats after the First Minister had been airlifted to safety

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats had this to say "At 9:15 on Saturday night, we were called to an incident in Dreghorn where we had to airlift a female politician for her own safety from Dreghorn to Aldo's in Kilwinning, where her request for condiments were fulfilled. This at a cost of £60, 0000 to the Taxpayer."

Saltcoats Councillor The Running Skirt to run on surface of the moon

Local superstar councillor The Running Skirt has been many things in his time - World Champion Boxer, Special Forces, Ex -00 Agent, Mentor to Chuck Norris, but nothing prepared him for the success he would have when he decided to take off his drawers before running and give a whole new meaning to 'Going Commando'. Now he plans to take this success with him in a joint venture with North Korea to run the whole of the moon.

"I was enjoying running, and doing very well. However I had one experience in the desert where I wasn't performing great. I whipped off my pants from underneath my skirt, and for some reason I flew like the wind and crossed the Gobi in 4 minutes. Breaking a new record."

"Ever since then, i've refused to wear underwear while I run. It's a winning formula & it means I don't need to stop to do a number one or two. I keep on running without thinking. Much like my political career. The lack of pants has been liberating and freeing."

Jim had been listening to The Waterboys, when the former Mixed Martial Artist came up with the idea. "It was as if Mike Scott was talking to me, I understood then that I needed to run the Whole of the Moon. It was just coincidence that my good friend Kim had just told me about his new space programme. I made the call to his boys and we arranged to set it up."

`Jim is a sensation in North Korea

Montgomerie's first jaunt to North Korea took place in February 2014. Since then, he says he’s visited six times. He calls Kim a “friend for life,” and as a result has been condemned by some in Saltcoats as a traitor and a dupe. But however you judge him, the provocative ex Special Forces hero and all round action man is now a potential source of information about a country that is inaccessible to most of the world. From the outside looking in, we see only Kim Jong-un’s appalling human-rights record and his country’s notorious famines, state executions and other abuses—but Jim has a different perspective.

"It’s nothing like you’ve seen over there. Not even close. It’s funny, because when I first went there I expected it to be like Ardrossan, but it was so…Communist. Wow. Pyongyang has changed a lot. New buildings were popping up and Kim is building all these new  Pubs and hotels. There's even a Windy 'Ha there. He built the largest water park in the world, like a gigantic Harvies. a La Scala Harry Kemp style cinema and this big bowling alley. He’s doing everything for these people. You could go bowl & get drunk  or go swimming all day for 50p. He's a true man of the people. I salute his courage, his spirit, his indefatigibility".

Jim who beat Apollo Creed 3 times when he was a world champion boxer enthuses about running the moon. "I'm pumped up. It's exciting. When the skirt goes on, nobody can beat me on a good day. I've ran the desert, the sahara all with nae pants on. To run the moon with the support of North Korea is the greatest privilege to have been bestowed upon me."

When asked about what his constituents may think of his friendship with North Korea, Jim, who trained Bruce Lee answered "As I once told my former student. I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine."

No pants moon mission. All in a days work for Jim!