Saltcoats Councillor The Running Skirt to run on surface of the moon

Local superstar councillor The Running Skirt has been many things in his time - World Champion Boxer, Special Forces, Ex -00 Agent, Mentor to Chuck Norris, but nothing prepared him for the success he would have when he decided to take off his drawers before running and give a whole new meaning to 'Going Commando'. Now he plans to take this success with him in a joint venture with North Korea to run the whole of the moon.

"I was enjoying running, and doing very well. However I had one experience in the desert where I wasn't performing great. I whipped off my pants from underneath my skirt, and for some reason I flew like the wind and crossed the Gobi in 4 minutes. Breaking a new record."

"Ever since then, i've refused to wear underwear while I run. It's a winning formula & it means I don't need to stop to do a number one or two. I keep on running without thinking. Much like my political career. The lack of pants has been liberating and freeing."

Jim had been listening to The Waterboys, when the former Mixed Martial Artist came up with the idea. "It was as if Mike Scott was talking to me, I understood then that I needed to run the Whole of the Moon. It was just coincidence that my good friend Kim had just told me about his new space programme. I made the call to his boys and we arranged to set it up."

`Jim is a sensation in North Korea

Montgomerie's first jaunt to North Korea took place in February 2014. Since then, he says he’s visited six times. He calls Kim a “friend for life,” and as a result has been condemned by some in Saltcoats as a traitor and a dupe. But however you judge him, the provocative ex Special Forces hero and all round action man is now a potential source of information about a country that is inaccessible to most of the world. From the outside looking in, we see only Kim Jong-un’s appalling human-rights record and his country’s notorious famines, state executions and other abuses—but Jim has a different perspective.

"It’s nothing like you’ve seen over there. Not even close. It’s funny, because when I first went there I expected it to be like Ardrossan, but it was so…Communist. Wow. Pyongyang has changed a lot. New buildings were popping up and Kim is building all these new  Pubs and hotels. There's even a Windy 'Ha there. He built the largest water park in the world, like a gigantic Harvies. a La Scala Harry Kemp style cinema and this big bowling alley. He’s doing everything for these people. You could go bowl & get drunk  or go swimming all day for 50p. He's a true man of the people. I salute his courage, his spirit, his indefatigibility".

Jim who beat Apollo Creed 3 times when he was a world champion boxer enthuses about running the moon. "I'm pumped up. It's exciting. When the skirt goes on, nobody can beat me on a good day. I've ran the desert, the sahara all with nae pants on. To run the moon with the support of North Korea is the greatest privilege to have been bestowed upon me."

When asked about what his constituents may think of his friendship with North Korea, Jim, who trained Bruce Lee answered "As I once told my former student. I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine."

No pants moon mission. All in a days work for Jim!

Cooncil to reopen 'Cottaging' toilets at junkies bequest

Toilets once renowned as a 'cottaging' spot for gay men could be rebuilt and reopened after complaints about a lack of public facilities for heroin addicts to shoot up in near the train station has been made to the Cooncil.

Irvine Smackheads Association (ISA) wants the former lavvies reopened after regularly seeing junkies ‘rattling like Marvin’ looking for loos to shoot up in.

The site - which will cost about £25,000 a year to clean - was shut years ago as part of an NAC cost-cutting exercise.

Cooncil spokesman Shuggy Fullarton said “while there was a risk that 'strange men' might make a return to the toilets he believed the benefit to the general majority of drug addicts in the area outweighed this potential problem.

*Editorial* The cottaging problem is not new to Irvine or North Ayrshire.

The  work to clean up the area at a notorious sex-stop spot is long overdue. For years it has been known that the library on the High Street attracted “men who liked to socialise with other men” as one Sergeant Howie from the Saltcoats once famously dubbed such activity.

Traditionally the gardening books section at the library were the problem.

Indeed it has long been rumoured, but never able to be fully proved so it could be published, that one local MP had twice been apprehended there by police for gross indecency.

In recent times men have moved to performing sex acts in the William Hill on a neighbouring building.

Cottaging is not a new problem in Irvine say NAC who have tried to clean it up

Now the Polis, the Cooncil and managers of the High St have got together to clean the place up and make it more secure in the hope it will be less of an attractive option.

Ra Polis also need to have a visible presence there so that the libraries and bookies are also returned to the use for which they were originally intended.

This is not a judgement of morality about gay sex.

It is about the morality of innocent members of the public being confronted with sexual behaviour.

It is time to clean up the High Street properly, once and for all.

Cooncil appoint new plunky man.

In order to combat the rampant truantism in North Ayrshire Schools, the Cooncil are proud to announce the appointment of new Truant Officer Bawbag McRambo to it's chambers.

Previously serving as a mercenary in the Belgian Congo, the Middle East and in Guantanomo Bay, McRambo has the skills to pay the bills when capturing kids & taking them back to classes.

Bawbag McRambo on the 'School Run'

Cooncil Education spokesman Roddy Pubcrawl had this to say about Rambo "he was originally sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Ardrossan underground. Today, no longer wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. We had a problem, no one else could help, if other Cooncils can't catch their truants if you can find him, maybe you can hire the Plunky Man"

Catching up with him, bedecked in teenagers ears around his neck on a piece of string McRambo only had this to say "There's a new plunky man in town. I'm not hear to please parents. If you can't control your kids and make them go to school, it's chokey time for them, 100 lashes of the birch and ten hours of hanging with Glen Michael. It's my way or the fucking high way".

Marymass team plan to bring Festival back to it's former days by sacrifice to Old Gods.

The dedicated team who organise Scotland’s biggest community festival, Marymass, say they need backing from Irvine residents to make it happen. In a last ditch attempt to bring the festival back to it's former glory, they plan to make an offering of live animals, school children who plunk school and sacrifice a virgin policeman to the old gods in a burning Wicker Man on Irvine Beach.

Marymass Festival in better times

Former provost Pat McPeach said: “Marymass is one of the world's hugest festivals and our fund is smaller than ever. Gone are the glory days when we'd have bands like The Rolling Stones, The Who & Brotherhood of Man headlining down the Moor. It used to be an epic spectacle to rival the likes of Glastonbury & Burning Man in the States. Now sadly we have a bunch of old nags in the paddock, stabbings, pissed up Carters jousting with one another and Cooncilors urinating in the street.

“This is Irvine’s festival and we want the people of the community to come and help us by embracing old pagan gods on the beach and participating in the human sacrifice with a view to taking things forward this year.”

A committee of 10 people work all year round to organise the 12-day festival but say that they need volunteers from the community to come forward to help them with their plan to make it great again once more.

Committee member Lemmy Summerisle said there is a lack of funding and lack of volunteers to run the festival.

Lemmy Summerisle in practice at Irvine Beach

He is calling on community groups or individuals who want to get involved to an open night on Mayday, at  Irvine Beach at 7pm.

“We have a lack of funding and volunteers,” said Lemmy.

We're looking for people to come forward and help with providing unwanted pets, cats, dogs etc to be burned in the Wicker Man. Local farmers can help by providing us with cattle, sheep or if they can't afford that, maybe a chicken or a hen, that kind of thing. Some of the local schools have kindly provided us with some of the children who are frequent truantees. We'll be piling them on high, and hoping the old gods look kindly upon us. We've also got a Sergeant Howie a virgin policeman from Saltcoats, we're going to lure to the town in order to be our main offering".
"Animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A little child is even better, but not *nearly* as effective as the right kind of adult."

Segeant Howie only had this to say on the matter "Don't you see that killing me is not going to bring back your Marymass? If the festival fails, Summerisle, next year your people will kill you on May Day.

The Marymass open bonfire is on Mayday at 7pm.

Medda daft' Irvine Ayrshire black metal band to reform to help propel Irvine Meadow success

Five-piece 80s Black Metal band Burning Doon The Kirk are getting back together and will release a song specially written for Irvine Meadow as singer Darklordvras Bururduzum strives to inspire his boyhood heroes.

Irvine 80's Black Metal Band Burning Doon The Kirk yesterday

Irvine Meadow superfan Darklordvras Bururduzum is to fulfill a lifelong dream by recording a song for his beloved team.

Darklordvras, 58, has been following the Irvine team since he was a boy and despite several attempts to record a track for his favourite team, he’s certain 2015 will be the year it happens.

The gardener is reuniting his 80s band  Burning Doon The Kirk one last time to inspire Meadow to success on the park.

After arduous contract talks between band members that included: putting some members converting to Christianity aside, the murder of the bassists wee brother by drummer 

Lucith Dogkicker and Darklordvras recently getting out of prison for burning down the Fullarton Church in the 80's. The band are going to to recreate the same look they had during the 80s, Burning Doon The Kirk look set to reform.

The shock rockers have vowed to breathe life into their back catalogue as well as debuting a few new tracks too on what’s being described as ‘The Community Service Tour’.

The infamous Meadow single has proved a bit of an own goal for Darklord since the band’s formation – with his attempts at a track in the 80s and 90s failing to reach the mixing stage.

A delighted Darklord said: “I’m Medda daft and I’ve just got to do the song after leaving it so long. It’s fell through so many times.

“We’re recording a rough demo here then taking it up to Glasgow to have it all finalised. All the money generated from the single goes to The Church of Satan.

“We’re all mid to late 50s so we’re getting on a bit but it’s brilliant to get the boys back together.”

Darkord will take on the task of singing while 

Lucith Dogkicker picks up the sticks, Goathn Goatplunger stars on bass, Inferum Cuntahl and Vargom Balrduk pick up guitars for the bands reformation.

Darklordvras also wants to breathe life into the local music scene and is hosting a rock night at the Irvine Old Parish Church on April 5 to mark the comeback, followed by a razing of the Church to the ground.

Labour MP Brian Donohoe has paid tribute to Nick Cotton who died following a 'bad hit' given to him by mother Dot

Donohoe: "Eastenders fans will find it strange to never again see a scene involving Dot & Nick Cotton again"

MP Brian Donohoe mourning at the Queen Vic yesterday

Labour MP Brian Donohoe has paid an emotional tribute to Eastenders's Nick Cotton who died last week.

The character, played by John Altman for  years, died following his mother Dot Cotton buying him a 'bad hit'.

Previously, Mr Donohoe had campaigned to ‘Free the Cold Turkey One’ when Nick was jailed for Theft, violence and fraud.

John Altman played a central role in Britain’s longest running London soap opera, with Nick Cotton being a main character in the show for most of that time.

He was part of some of the biggest story lines of the show, including one that gripped the nation saw him jailed for fraud after being duped by Dot

This week, Mr Donohoe – a lifelong fan of watching soap opera's instead of attending parliamentary duties – said he joined a nation in mourning and expressed his sadness over the characters death.

He said: “I was very sad to hear about the passing of Nick Cotton. The nation was gripped by the ‘Free the Cold Turkey One’ campaign which came about after the character’s incarceration for fraud and it was a good bit of fun to get involved with. It reflected the issues going on in my personal life with my son at the time

“As a fan myself, I am sure all Eastenders fans will find it strange to never again see a scene involving both Dot and her son Nick again.

“My thoughts go out to his family, friends and the cast of Eastenders who I am sure will be feeling the loss on set when they get back to filming.”

Irvine Residents Ragin' at New Magnum Plans

Irvine residents are up in arms at the latest plans for the new Magnum Centre. Already a touchy subject with the imminent closure of the historic sports complex being sold by a cabal of Irvine Bhey crooked businessmen and members of the Cooncil having lined their pockets selling the land for prime housing spots at the harbour site.

Latest plans for the Magnum centre at the site of the former Police Station at Irvine Cross have sparked outcries! 'How the fuck am I going to get my smack now?' asked a Parterre Resident. The cross is a place where the Police have traditionally turned a blind eye to us junkies dealing. Now with weans running aboot, we'll have to move our offices elsewhere. This will definitely have a bad effect on local business'.

Further outcries at the proposed design plans for the new Magnum have caused complaints too.

Artists Impression of the New Magnum:

Paddy Wiggum of Irvine Bhey was unavailable for comment about allegations of corruption as he's spending winter in Barbados with his ill gotten gains. A member from the Cooncil did respond though by saying "
Away and get tae fuck, the new Magnum means loads of business for retailers like Black Mamma's. They're expecting sales of suppers to go through the roof. The Cooncil, will as always accommodate our junkie businessmen who traditionally have conducted business in the area by giving them new offices down the harbour along with dogs as part of their companion scheme and a generous financial grant."
Louie our fitness columnist will be running another lot of advertisements,  sorry features in the paper for his classes which he can advertise sorry, tell you all about, in his column every week to drum up business. It's a win win for everyone involved.