Brothers in Arms as Rab meets long lost Brother in Hollywood

Big Rab Affleck is no stranger either to readers or to movie and TV fans. Rab has appeared in many popular Films & TV series & is a popular and well respected actor. Famed for playing lummoxes, many would think he has it all. However, there was one secret that has been tearing Rab apart from most of his career. His wee brother was separated from him on a shopping trip to Glasgow when he was younger and he never saw him again. Thinking him lost forever Rab has always felt that connection missing in his life & it tore him apart.

However the Imperiled are happy to report that big Rab has now found his long lost wee brother, and he's none other than Hollywood Star & soon to be Batman Ben Affleck!

Ben & Rab, together again & inseparable

"I was sitting thinking about my lost brother, as I do everyday and then I saw this actor on TV. He looked like my wee brother Ben. I could see the physical similarities - the build, the good looks, the strong athletic shape he was in & I though 'He's awful familiar'. I did a bit of research and I found out this guy was called Affleck too! Ben Affleck!"

"That's when everything fell into place. My wee brother was called Ben & loved acting too. It's in the Affleck blood ye ken. I had found my long lost wee brother!"

A call from his agent, and it turns out that the two brothers were to be reunited at last. Meeting each other for the first time the tears swelled up in big Rab's eyes as he hugged and embraced his wee brother for the first time in decades. Now the pair are inseparable, and Ben is going to help advance Big Rab in his film career. "I cannae believe he's the new Batman! Not only do I get to meet my brother again, but now he's getting me higher profile lummox roles in Hollywood, compared to my usual lummox roles where I get shot or knocked out. We're also doing a film called "Good Will Munting. Fairy stories do come true and there's no bigger fairy than me".

Big Rab celebrates finding his wee brother

Cooncil to reopen 'Cottaging' toilets at junkies bequest

Toilets once renowned as a 'cottaging' spot for gay men could be rebuilt and reopened after complaints about a lack of public facilities for heroin addicts to shoot up in near the train station has been made to the Cooncil.

Irvine Smackheads Association (ISA) wants the former lavvies reopened after regularly seeing junkies ‘rattling like Marvin’ looking for loos to shoot up in.

The site - which will cost about £25,000 a year to clean - was shut years ago as part of an NAC cost-cutting exercise.

Cooncil spokesman Shuggy Fullarton said “while there was a risk that 'strange men' might make a return to the toilets he believed the benefit to the general majority of drug addicts in the area outweighed this potential problem.

*Editorial* The cottaging problem is not new to Irvine or North Ayrshire.

The  work to clean up the area at a notorious sex-stop spot is long overdue. For years it has been known that the library on the High Street attracted “men who liked to socialise with other men” as one Sergeant Howie from the Saltcoats once famously dubbed such activity.

Traditionally the gardening books section at the library were the problem.

Indeed it has long been rumoured, but never able to be fully proved so it could be published, that one local MP had twice been apprehended there by police for gross indecency.

In recent times men have moved to performing sex acts in the William Hill on a neighbouring building.

Cottaging is not a new problem in Irvine say NAC who have tried to clean it up

Now the Polis, the Cooncil and managers of the High St have got together to clean the place up and make it more secure in the hope it will be less of an attractive option.

Ra Polis also need to have a visible presence there so that the libraries and bookies are also returned to the use for which they were originally intended.

This is not a judgement of morality about gay sex.

It is about the morality of innocent members of the public being confronted with sexual behaviour.

It is time to clean up the High Street properly, once and for all.

Cooncil appoint new plunky man.

In order to combat the rampant truantism in North Ayrshire Schools, the Cooncil are proud to announce the appointment of new Truant Officer Bawbag McRambo to it's chambers.

Previously serving as a mercenary in the Belgian Congo, the Middle East and in Guantanomo Bay, McRambo has the skills to pay the bills when capturing kids & taking them back to classes.

Bawbag McRambo on the 'School Run'

Cooncil Education spokesman Roddy Pubcrawl had this to say about Rambo "he was originally sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Ardrossan underground. Today, no longer wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. We had a problem, no one else could help, if other Cooncils can't catch their truants if you can find him, maybe you can hire the Plunky Man"

Catching up with him, bedecked in teenagers ears around his neck on a piece of string McRambo only had this to say "There's a new plunky man in town. I'm not hear to please parents. If you can't control your kids and make them go to school, it's chokey time for them, 100 lashes of the birch and ten hours of hanging with Glen Michael. It's my way or the fucking high way".

Irvine Boutique closing doors to reopen as 50 Shades Sex Shop

A woman’s boutique in Irvine which has been part of the shopping community for almost 60 years is to close next month.

Sadie’s in the town’s Bank Street will close its doors on February 28. The bright news is it will be opening as a Sex Toy shop specialising in the latest 50 Shades of Grey style BDSM & Bondage toys.

And owner Sadie Sadieson says it has been the hardest decision of her life to close the doors of the popular clothing and lingerie shop.

The new look Sadies in Bank Street, Irvine

“With the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey, no-one was spending money on lingerie anymore. Everyone has been asking for whips, collars, cuffs, leashes. There's simply no market in Irvine for Miss Mary of Sweden any longer. I made the decision to close Sadie’s, as a bloomer shop and to reopen with a fresher, sexier image” said Sadie.

“Believe me, it has broken my heart to do it as there are so many loyal customers who have become friends and who pop in while they are waiting for a bus or just to catch up and I will miss each and every one of them. Now hopefully they'll be set to return and I can truss them in leather and lock them in the dungeon in the basement after they buy a few corsets”

"The keeping the name was the best part" enthused Sadie. "I'll be selling instruments of a sado masochistic nature, and the name Sadie's has so many connotations of that, it was a no brainer".

The new Sadies hopes that customers will serve it when it reopens at the beginning of next month.

Sadie from Sadies gets herself ready for it's re-opening.

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Medda daft' Irvine Ayrshire black metal band to reform to help propel Irvine Meadow success

Five-piece 80s Black Metal band Burning Doon The Kirk are getting back together and will release a song specially written for Irvine Meadow as singer Darklordvras Bururduzum strives to inspire his boyhood heroes.

Irvine 80's Black Metal Band Burning Doon The Kirk yesterday

Irvine Meadow superfan Darklordvras Bururduzum is to fulfill a lifelong dream by recording a song for his beloved team.

Darklordvras, 58, has been following the Irvine team since he was a boy and despite several attempts to record a track for his favourite team, he’s certain 2015 will be the year it happens.

The gardener is reuniting his 80s band  Burning Doon The Kirk one last time to inspire Meadow to success on the park.

After arduous contract talks between band members that included: putting some members converting to Christianity aside, the murder of the bassists wee brother by drummer 

Lucith Dogkicker and Darklordvras recently getting out of prison for burning down the Fullarton Church in the 80's. The band are going to to recreate the same look they had during the 80s, Burning Doon The Kirk look set to reform.

The shock rockers have vowed to breathe life into their back catalogue as well as debuting a few new tracks too on what’s being described as ‘The Community Service Tour’.

The infamous Meadow single has proved a bit of an own goal for Darklord since the band’s formation – with his attempts at a track in the 80s and 90s failing to reach the mixing stage.

A delighted Darklord said: “I’m Medda daft and I’ve just got to do the song after leaving it so long. It’s fell through so many times.

“We’re recording a rough demo here then taking it up to Glasgow to have it all finalised. All the money generated from the single goes to The Church of Satan.

“We’re all mid to late 50s so we’re getting on a bit but it’s brilliant to get the boys back together.”

Darkord will take on the task of singing while 

Lucith Dogkicker picks up the sticks, Goathn Goatplunger stars on bass, Inferum Cuntahl and Vargom Balrduk pick up guitars for the bands reformation.

Darklordvras also wants to breathe life into the local music scene and is hosting a rock night at the Irvine Old Parish Church on April 5 to mark the comeback, followed by a razing of the Church to the ground.

Little Fire Music Column

Half an hour into the dose

Hello folks I hope you’re doing well!

At the time of writing I’m in my bedsit having just taken a lot of sweeties previously in order to listen to the new material by band Vasa..

At first the music sounded the same as all the other pish acoustic crap I listen to, but 10 minutes in and this is a belter of an album...the music sounds better, lights look cooler, minty things taste awesome, smoking feels great, touching things becomes imperative, as physical sensation is ramped up dramatically, and the thought of a hot shower almost feels too good. My emotional walls have dropped, leaving me vulnerable, open, forgiving, and chatty. I have 4 hours till the high fades. 

Not looking forward to when I first enter reality again. I don't want to be there. I want to be in this happy happy place forever. Tonight Matthew i'm Jesus Christ on ecstacy.

Labour MP Brian Donohoe has paid tribute to Nick Cotton who died following a 'bad hit' given to him by mother Dot

Donohoe: "Eastenders fans will find it strange to never again see a scene involving Dot & Nick Cotton again"

MP Brian Donohoe mourning at the Queen Vic yesterday

Labour MP Brian Donohoe has paid an emotional tribute to Eastenders's Nick Cotton who died last week.

The character, played by John Altman for  years, died following his mother Dot Cotton buying him a 'bad hit'.

Previously, Mr Donohoe had campaigned to ‘Free the Cold Turkey One’ when Nick was jailed for Theft, violence and fraud.

John Altman played a central role in Britain’s longest running London soap opera, with Nick Cotton being a main character in the show for most of that time.

He was part of some of the biggest story lines of the show, including one that gripped the nation saw him jailed for fraud after being duped by Dot

This week, Mr Donohoe – a lifelong fan of watching soap opera's instead of attending parliamentary duties – said he joined a nation in mourning and expressed his sadness over the characters death.

He said: “I was very sad to hear about the passing of Nick Cotton. The nation was gripped by the ‘Free the Cold Turkey One’ campaign which came about after the character’s incarceration for fraud and it was a good bit of fun to get involved with. It reflected the issues going on in my personal life with my son at the time

“As a fan myself, I am sure all Eastenders fans will find it strange to never again see a scene involving both Dot and her son Nick again.

“My thoughts go out to his family, friends and the cast of Eastenders who I am sure will be feeling the loss on set when they get back to filming.”

Inspirational Strongwoman Louise in training for Spartan Persian War

In terms of mighty, powerful women, they don’t come much stronger than Big Louise.

The indestructable 40-year-old is currently the second strongest woman in the world only being beaten by Big Kay from the BBC series The Scheme.

And determined Louise has now her sights set on searing it up over in Greece with 299 other Spartan warriors.

She has been competing and training since 2011, and her hard work and efforts have won her a host of battles including her ending of the war in Afghanistan in 2014.

Louise discovered a passion for strength training after being introduced to the joys of watching Popeye cartoons from a very young age & Ludovico technique style conditioning to repeatedly watch the film Pumping Iron again and again. Sometimes at weeks on end.

A natural progression, and tons of hard work learning to develop a fondness for the taste of Spinach, led her to compete at the top level and become a top enforcer in Ayrshire housing estates, and inspire thousands of women all over the world. Louise has strong ties in the community, and is a regular at visiting hours at Barlinnie prison gym.

As well as all her events and appearances, Louise is using her knowledge to help others attain their goals.

Using locally grown Spinach, Louise has decided to take up the challenge and to go to Greece to fight against the Persian threat lead by Mad God-King Xerxes.

“Eighty per cent of the kebabs I devour are from Greece” said Louise.

“I love helping these puny Greek men train and to realise their potential.”

With plans to hold the World’s Strongest event in Ayrshire this year, it looks like another busy year ahead for Louise.

“Once i've ”defeated the Persian foe by pummelling them into submission, I plan to give the other 299 boys a bit of a pose off' then it'll be back to Ayrshire to show who's the champ at pulling trucks by my teeth attached to a rope. Ack, ack, ack! I'm strong to the finish 'cos I eats me spinach!"

Irvine Residents Ragin' at New Magnum Plans

Irvine residents are up in arms at the latest plans for the new Magnum Centre. Already a touchy subject with the imminent closure of the historic sports complex being sold by a cabal of Irvine Bhey crooked businessmen and members of the Cooncil having lined their pockets selling the land for prime housing spots at the harbour site.

Latest plans for the Magnum centre at the site of the former Police Station at Irvine Cross have sparked outcries! 'How the fuck am I going to get my smack now?' asked a Parterre Resident. The cross is a place where the Police have traditionally turned a blind eye to us junkies dealing. Now with weans running aboot, we'll have to move our offices elsewhere. This will definitely have a bad effect on local business'.

Further outcries at the proposed design plans for the new Magnum have caused complaints too.

Artists Impression of the New Magnum:

Paddy Wiggum of Irvine Bhey was unavailable for comment about allegations of corruption as he's spending winter in Barbados with his ill gotten gains. A member from the Cooncil did respond though by saying "
Away and get tae fuck, the new Magnum means loads of business for retailers like Black Mamma's. They're expecting sales of suppers to go through the roof. The Cooncil, will as always accommodate our junkie businessmen who traditionally have conducted business in the area by giving them new offices down the harbour along with dogs as part of their companion scheme and a generous financial grant."
Louie our fitness columnist will be running another lot of advertisements,  sorry features in the paper for his classes which he can advertise sorry, tell you all about, in his column every week to drum up business. It's a win win for everyone involved.