Brothers in Arms as Rab meets long lost Brother in Hollywood

Big Rab Affleck is no stranger either to readers or to movie and TV fans. Rab has appeared in many popular Films & TV series & is a popular and well respected actor. Famed for playing lummoxes, many would think he has it all. However, there was one secret that has been tearing Rab apart from most of his career. His wee brother was separated from him on a shopping trip to Glasgow when he was younger and he never saw him again. Thinking him lost forever Rab has always felt that connection missing in his life & it tore him apart.

However the Imperiled are happy to report that big Rab has now found his long lost wee brother, and he's none other than Hollywood Star & soon to be Batman Ben Affleck!

Ben & Rab, together again & inseparable

"I was sitting thinking about my lost brother, as I do everyday and then I saw this actor on TV. He looked like my wee brother Ben. I could see the physical similarities - the build, the good looks, the strong athletic shape he was in & I though 'He's awful familiar'. I did a bit of research and I found out this guy was called Affleck too! Ben Affleck!"

"That's when everything fell into place. My wee brother was called Ben & loved acting too. It's in the Affleck blood ye ken. I had found my long lost wee brother!"

A call from his agent, and it turns out that the two brothers were to be reunited at last. Meeting each other for the first time the tears swelled up in big Rab's eyes as he hugged and embraced his wee brother for the first time in decades. Now the pair are inseparable, and Ben is going to help advance Big Rab in his film career. "I cannae believe he's the new Batman! Not only do I get to meet my brother again, but now he's getting me higher profile lummox roles in Hollywood, compared to my usual lummox roles where I get shot or knocked out. We're also doing a film called "Good Will Munting. Fairy stories do come true and there's no bigger fairy than me".

Big Rab celebrates finding his wee brother

Alleged theft of £1.3 million worth of plutonium sees Kilwinning accused dissapear

A Kilwinning man accused of stealing over £1million worth of plutonium from a hospital has mysteriously dissapeared.

‘Doc’ Daniel Dreghorn appeared in private at Kilmarnock Sheriff Court court earlier this month accused of being involved in the theft of surgical equipment, thought to be worth £1.3 million.

The shock haired recluse made no plea or declaration during his appearance on January 7.

'Doc' Daniel Dreghorn in happier days

‘Doc’ Dreghorn, thought to be a senior member of staff at the central decontamination unit, was suspended following investigations.

But an NHS Ayrshire and Arran spokeswoman told the Irvine Herald last week that ‘Doc’ Dreghorn “does not currently work for NHS Ayrshire & Arran. We have no idea where he is.”

Following Dreghorn’s suspension police quizzed over 100 staff at Crosshouse and Ayr Hospitals in connection to the allegations.

It is alleged health chiefs found 136 boxes of plutonium had disappeared, valued at around £10,000 each.

Imperiled Reporters tried to gain an interview with him after his court appearance, but he hastily made a getaway in an old silver DeLorean parked outside of court.

Dreghorn also made no plea or declaration in relation to a charge of neglect to his dog Einstein.

He was released on bail. He was supposed return to court later this year for sentencing but his whereabouts are currently unknown. 

Dreghorn's last appearance as he speeds off from our reporter outside the Court

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats said “We are still looking for his whereabouts. We do know he was involved with some Libyans, but it looks like he has simply vanished. He was last seen doing 88 miles per hour on John Finnie Street in Kilmarnock and then he’s just disappeared into thin air.”

Polis out in force in Kilwinning action bid

Polis out in force in Kilwinning action 

 POLIS drafted more than 20 extra officers in Kilwinning on Friday in a bid to reassure the community that their concerns are top priority.

Led by Sergeant Neil Howie, Crime Czar, officers conducted a variety of high profile patrols targeting speeding motorists, litter droppers, pavement cyclists and one year olds. 

Each year the polis undertake a public consultation survey where local communities are asked to identify policing priorities for the year. Polis take the opportunity to increase awareness on their work during the ‘day of action’.

Sergeant Howie said: “We have had additional officers in Kilwinning to reassure the community that the Polis are working on the issues which matter most to local people.

“By focusing activity in the one area we hope to maximise the opportunities for residents to see the activities taking place to keep people safe in local communities.

Sgt Neil Howie "Kilwinning is mine tonight."

On Friday officers conducted a speed check in Kilwinning and warned four drivers who were allegedly driving just over the 20mph speed restriction and another five drivers were spoken to during speed checks in other areas of the town.

Over 9,000 one year olds were stopped and searched, and many teenagers were spending the weekend in the cells after being spotted cycling on the pavement. 

In other news, there were 20 burglaries, 5 serious assaults, 10 stabbings, 10 pensioners mugged at cash machines and some serious drug dealing and vandalism going on in the town unnoticed. Sergeant Howie has made an appeal to the public for any help in these matters, but says "We are seriously understaffed and too busy dealing with more important matters to deal with everything".

15,441 One Year Olds stopped by Polis in North Ayrshire

ALMOST 20,000 people in North Ayrshire were stopped and searched by Police Scotland in North Ayrshire, many of these being one-year-olds. Kilmarnock Sheriff Court's prison creche is being severely tested with the planning of opening a new barred creche facility within the grounds of HMP Kimarnock.

Prisoner #6527277 at HMP Kilmarnock 

In new figures this week, it has shown that 19,406 people in the local area were stopped by Polis with 15,441 of them aged 1 or under.

For North Ayrshire, an overwhelming 15,441 of those stopped were under one years old.

The system has been called flawed and there have been calls from Human Rights activists to abolish the consensual stop searches, especially those on children under the age of 12.

Local SNP MSP, Kenneth Gibson, said: “The SNP welcomes moves by ra Polis towards ending the practice of non-statutory, so-called ‘consensual’ stop and search.

Sergeant Howie of Saltcoats said "When it comes to crime, we can't be too careful these days. If you're looking dodgy you WILL be stopped. If doing anything wrong you WILL be prosecuted. As the figures show, age is no barrier to not following the word of the law. Excuse is not an option."

Sergeant Howie of Saltcoats

Prisoner #6527277 at HMP Kilmarnock, one of the many recent one year old being charged was furious about the way youngsters are being policed and had this to say to our Reporter "Goo goo ga ga goo goo ga ga!!!"

Local SNP MSP, Kenneth Gibson, said: “Clearly our prisons are overcrowded enough and we should be giving these young people a second chance, such as imposing a community supervision order or giving them a suspended sentence. When these weans get out the tin pail, they will be hardened criminals who have fraternised with the criminal elements of Ayrshire. They will be walking ticking timebombs."

Cooncil appoint new plunky man.

In order to combat the rampant truantism in North Ayrshire Schools, the Cooncil are proud to announce the appointment of new Truant Officer Bawbag McRambo to it's chambers.

Previously serving as a mercenary in the Belgian Congo, the Middle East and in Guantanomo Bay, McRambo has the skills to pay the bills when capturing kids & taking them back to classes.

Bawbag McRambo on the 'School Run'

Cooncil Education spokesman Roddy Pubcrawl had this to say about Rambo "he was originally sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. He promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Ardrossan underground. Today, no longer wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. We had a problem, no one else could help, if other Cooncils can't catch their truants if you can find him, maybe you can hire the Plunky Man"

Catching up with him, bedecked in teenagers ears around his neck on a piece of string McRambo only had this to say "There's a new plunky man in town. I'm not hear to please parents. If you can't control your kids and make them go to school, it's chokey time for them, 100 lashes of the birch and ten hours of hanging with Glen Michael. It's my way or the fucking high way".

Irvine Boutique closing doors to reopen as 50 Shades Sex Shop

A woman’s boutique in Irvine which has been part of the shopping community for almost 60 years is to close next month.

Sadie’s in the town’s Bank Street will close its doors on February 28. The bright news is it will be opening as a Sex Toy shop specialising in the latest 50 Shades of Grey style BDSM & Bondage toys.

And owner Sadie Sadieson says it has been the hardest decision of her life to close the doors of the popular clothing and lingerie shop.

The new look Sadies in Bank Street, Irvine

“With the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey, no-one was spending money on lingerie anymore. Everyone has been asking for whips, collars, cuffs, leashes. There's simply no market in Irvine for Miss Mary of Sweden any longer. I made the decision to close Sadie’s, as a bloomer shop and to reopen with a fresher, sexier image” said Sadie.

“Believe me, it has broken my heart to do it as there are so many loyal customers who have become friends and who pop in while they are waiting for a bus or just to catch up and I will miss each and every one of them. Now hopefully they'll be set to return and I can truss them in leather and lock them in the dungeon in the basement after they buy a few corsets”

"The keeping the name was the best part" enthused Sadie. "I'll be selling instruments of a sado masochistic nature, and the name Sadie's has so many connotations of that, it was a no brainer".

The new Sadies hopes that customers will serve it when it reopens at the beginning of next month.

Sadie from Sadies gets herself ready for it's re-opening.

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Marymass team plan to bring Festival back to it's former days by sacrifice to Old Gods.

The dedicated team who organise Scotland’s biggest community festival, Marymass, say they need backing from Irvine residents to make it happen. In a last ditch attempt to bring the festival back to it's former glory, they plan to make an offering of live animals, school children who plunk school and sacrifice a virgin policeman to the old gods in a burning Wicker Man on Irvine Beach.

Marymass Festival in better times

Former provost Pat McPeach said: “Marymass is one of the world's hugest festivals and our fund is smaller than ever. Gone are the glory days when we'd have bands like The Rolling Stones, The Who & Brotherhood of Man headlining down the Moor. It used to be an epic spectacle to rival the likes of Glastonbury & Burning Man in the States. Now sadly we have a bunch of old nags in the paddock, stabbings, pissed up Carters jousting with one another and Cooncilors urinating in the street.

“This is Irvine’s festival and we want the people of the community to come and help us by embracing old pagan gods on the beach and participating in the human sacrifice with a view to taking things forward this year.”

A committee of 10 people work all year round to organise the 12-day festival but say that they need volunteers from the community to come forward to help them with their plan to make it great again once more.

Committee member Lemmy Summerisle said there is a lack of funding and lack of volunteers to run the festival.

Lemmy Summerisle in practice at Irvine Beach

He is calling on community groups or individuals who want to get involved to an open night on Mayday, at  Irvine Beach at 7pm.

“We have a lack of funding and volunteers,” said Lemmy.

We're looking for people to come forward and help with providing unwanted pets, cats, dogs etc to be burned in the Wicker Man. Local farmers can help by providing us with cattle, sheep or if they can't afford that, maybe a chicken or a hen, that kind of thing. Some of the local schools have kindly provided us with some of the children who are frequent truantees. We'll be piling them on high, and hoping the old gods look kindly upon us. We've also got a Sergeant Howie a virgin policeman from Saltcoats, we're going to lure to the town in order to be our main offering".
"Animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A little child is even better, but not *nearly* as effective as the right kind of adult."

Segeant Howie only had this to say on the matter "Don't you see that killing me is not going to bring back your Marymass? If the festival fails, Summerisle, next year your people will kill you on May Day.

The Marymass open bonfire is on Mayday at 7pm.

Little Fire Music Column

Half an hour into the dose

Hello folks I hope you’re doing well!

At the time of writing I’m in my bedsit having just taken a lot of sweeties previously in order to listen to the new material by band Vasa..

At first the music sounded the same as all the other pish acoustic crap I listen to, but 10 minutes in and this is a belter of an album...the music sounds better, lights look cooler, minty things taste awesome, smoking feels great, touching things becomes imperative, as physical sensation is ramped up dramatically, and the thought of a hot shower almost feels too good. My emotional walls have dropped, leaving me vulnerable, open, forgiving, and chatty. I have 4 hours till the high fades. 

Not looking forward to when I first enter reality again. I don't want to be there. I want to be in this happy happy place forever. Tonight Matthew i'm Jesus Christ on ecstacy.

Labour MP Brian Donohoe has paid tribute to Nick Cotton who died following a 'bad hit' given to him by mother Dot

Donohoe: "Eastenders fans will find it strange to never again see a scene involving Dot & Nick Cotton again"

MP Brian Donohoe mourning at the Queen Vic yesterday

Labour MP Brian Donohoe has paid an emotional tribute to Eastenders's Nick Cotton who died last week.

The character, played by John Altman for  years, died following his mother Dot Cotton buying him a 'bad hit'.

Previously, Mr Donohoe had campaigned to ‘Free the Cold Turkey One’ when Nick was jailed for Theft, violence and fraud.

John Altman played a central role in Britain’s longest running London soap opera, with Nick Cotton being a main character in the show for most of that time.

He was part of some of the biggest story lines of the show, including one that gripped the nation saw him jailed for fraud after being duped by Dot

This week, Mr Donohoe – a lifelong fan of watching soap opera's instead of attending parliamentary duties – said he joined a nation in mourning and expressed his sadness over the characters death.

He said: “I was very sad to hear about the passing of Nick Cotton. The nation was gripped by the ‘Free the Cold Turkey One’ campaign which came about after the character’s incarceration for fraud and it was a good bit of fun to get involved with. It reflected the issues going on in my personal life with my son at the time

“As a fan myself, I am sure all Eastenders fans will find it strange to never again see a scene involving both Dot and her son Nick again.

“My thoughts go out to his family, friends and the cast of Eastenders who I am sure will be feeling the loss on set when they get back to filming.”

Inspirational Strongwoman Louise in training for Spartan Persian War

In terms of mighty, powerful women, they don’t come much stronger than Big Louise.

The indestructable 40-year-old is currently the second strongest woman in the world only being beaten by Big Kay from the BBC series The Scheme.

And determined Louise has now her sights set on searing it up over in Greece with 299 other Spartan warriors.

She has been competing and training since 2011, and her hard work and efforts have won her a host of battles including her ending of the war in Afghanistan in 2014.

Louise discovered a passion for strength training after being introduced to the joys of watching Popeye cartoons from a very young age & Ludovico technique style conditioning to repeatedly watch the film Pumping Iron again and again. Sometimes at weeks on end.

A natural progression, and tons of hard work learning to develop a fondness for the taste of Spinach, led her to compete at the top level and become a top enforcer in Ayrshire housing estates, and inspire thousands of women all over the world. Louise has strong ties in the community, and is a regular at visiting hours at Barlinnie prison gym.

As well as all her events and appearances, Louise is using her knowledge to help others attain their goals.

Using locally grown Spinach, Louise has decided to take up the challenge and to go to Greece to fight against the Persian threat lead by Mad God-King Xerxes.

“Eighty per cent of the kebabs I devour are from Greece” said Louise.

“I love helping these puny Greek men train and to realise their potential.”

With plans to hold the World’s Strongest event in Ayrshire this year, it looks like another busy year ahead for Louise.

“Once i've ”defeated the Persian foe by pummelling them into submission, I plan to give the other 299 boys a bit of a pose off' then it'll be back to Ayrshire to show who's the champ at pulling trucks by my teeth attached to a rope. Ack, ack, ack! I'm strong to the finish 'cos I eats me spinach!"