Polis Called to First Minister in Stramash at Dreghorn Chippy over 'Edinburghfication' slur

The First Minister found herself in a bit of a situation when the Police were called to diffuse what could have been a tricky situation at the Chip Shop in Dreghorn.

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon was visiting the usually quiet, peaceful and tranquil village of Dreghorn, North Ayrshire where she grew up, when a scen quickly escalated at the local Fish & Chicken Bar.

"I was visiting my mother, and was feeling rather peckish, so I thought i'd go to the local fryer for a King Rib Supper & a glass bottle of Curries Special Red Cola".

The chips were down for the First Minister in Dreghorn

The visit soon turned ugly for the First Minister, and she was subjected to vile taunts by other customers in the shop.

"I merely asked for Salt & Sauce on my chips. That was all" said a still shaking First Minister. "The next thing I knew, I was subjected to a torrent of abuse and rants by everyone in the shop. Why should I want Salt & Vinegar?"

"They were horrified and angry at me. I was pushed and jostled and called a snobby cow. I was told to remember where my roots came from. Someone threw tomato sauce at me, and I was hit in the eye with a pickled onion."

Visibly traumatised by the attacks, Nicola said "I have to live in Edinburgh during the week. Being close to Parliament, i'm used to having Salt & Sauce on my chips. These people are not civilised or Cosmopolitan. I don't want to go back to Dreghorn again now. I like Edinburgh, it's rather barry likesay ken? Thank goodness there's a Dreghorn in Edinburgh too!"

A local woman who did not want to be named had this to say "I remember when Nicola used to run wae the DMS. Hingin' aboot the bus shelters, smoking, drinking Merrydown wae her ski jacket & Kickers shoes. We used to go up the munt thegither and hing aboot wae the boys frae the mad sqwad. Noo she thinks because she's in Edinburgh, she can come doon here thinking she's something when she's nowt?"

Another local Dregorn Parishioner had this to say "That wee lassie disnae huv ony respect for where she came fae. She's a silly lassie asking for requests like that round these parts. She's lucky she didnae get her heid tae play wae. She lost the referendum & now she's lost the keys tae the toon & the respect of it's people."

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats after the First Minister had been airlifted to safety

Sergeant Neil Howie of Saltcoats had this to say "At 9:15 on Saturday night, we were called to an incident in Dreghorn where we had to airlift a female politician for her own safety from Dreghorn to Aldo's in Kilwinning, where her request for condiments were fulfilled. This at a cost of £60, 0000 to the Taxpayer."